Three Words

There are moments in life that define you, mold you, shape you into the person that you are and are becoming. There are words spoken out loud that make an impact on everything you know. Words like "I love you" or "Will you marry me?" or "You got the job!" (or didn't get the job for that matter) - I could go on...

But these three words have changed me forever.

My.Daddy.Died.

It's hard to say out loud. It doesn't seem real. It hurts.

But no matter how much I hate it, it doesn't change its truth.

I keep telling myself that everyone has to go through this eventually and thousands of people do it everyday. Then I ask myself so many questions...

Does everyone hurt this much?

Is this normal?

Am I doing this grief thing right?

And the truth is, I have no idea. I have no answers for any of those questions.

I have felt hurt and grief before. I have lost so many that I deeply loved. But this is different. This is my daddy. My very own Superman. My first love. The man who could fix anything, sometimes with duct tape, sometimes without. The man who taught me how to play catch, skip rocks, and let me sit in his lap and drive down the "old road" back and forth to Granny & Paw-Paw's. The man who could turn me into a giggling little goober just by pretending "the claw" was going to get me. The man who used to put me on his shoulders so I could finally make the basketball go into that silly hoop. The man who, just a couple of months ago was still asking me if I needed any money when I left the house.

He's gone.

Gone forever from this world. There are no more chats about the weather or football or fishing or hunting. No more marathons of Andy Griffith or Gunsmoke or Bonanza. That makes me sad. It's a level of grief that I have never known until now. I think in part it is not only grieving over losing him now but it's also grieving the 30 years that I didn't get with him because cancer took his life at age fifty-four. It's realizing that I will likely have more years of my life without him in it than years that he was a part of. It's grieving for grandchildren who will never get to hug him or hear one of his stories. There is just so much that weights heavy on my heart and brings salty tears to my eyes. It really feels like too much.

But there are three more words that I carry with me.

The last three words my Daddy said to me.

Love.You.Too.

In his final days, I caught him in a moment of being alert enough in between sleeps to tell him that I loved him and for him to say it back.

Love.You.Too.

There are no better parting words from someone you love so dearly. None better.

Love.You.Too.

I heard a quote recently that said something like, "With great love comes great hurt when one of you dies."

And if that is true, then I am doing this grief thing right. I am hurting big because I loved and was loved big. And in this painful season of life I am leaning on my sweet Savior and precious husband and family and friends more than ever before. And I am finding joy in knowing that my earthly father is eternally with my heavenly Father and I will see both of them one day.

But until that day, I will miss him terribly. And I will always remember holding his hand and kissing his forehead and hearing those last three words.

Love.You.Too.



I love you Daddy.

with all my heart,
alissa fred