Walking Daddy Home: The Unexpected

For as long as my Daddy had cancer, I was always fearful of one thing:

the phone call

The first one came November 14, 2008. It was from my Mom.

"Sweetie, your Daddy had a seizure at work. He's fine now, but we're at the hospital with him and they are running some tests."

Unexpected.

The next one came on November 16.

"Sweetie, there's a mass on his brain and on his kidney. They don't know what it is but they are going to remove the one on the brain tomorrow."

Unexpected.

The next one, November 22.

"Sweetie, it was malignant. They think they removed it all but it means the mass on his kidney is malignant, too. They'll be removing that one as soon as they can, probably in a few weeks."

Unexpected.

And just a few months after that...

"Sweetie, the spots on his lungs have grown so it's not scar tissue after all. We're going to get in touch with M.D. Anderson and find a doctor there."

Unexpected.

And for the next five years, it was the phone call that my Mom would make after an oncologist visit at M.D. Anderson. We typically had 3-4 months between visits for the last five years, but every time my stomach would be in knots for what words would be waiting on the other end of the line. More often than not, it was good news of a stable or shrinking disease. Other times, it wasn't so good. I remember the first time it wasn't good. I was driving back to work after my lunch break and had to pull the car over. I ended up not even going back to work that day. It was all so scary. It was unpredictable. It was unexpected.

And as the disease progressed, in the back of my mind, I was always afraid of "that" phone call. The phone call that would tell me it's time to come home. And up until a month ago, I thought that phone call was years away. Turns out it wasn't.

Unexpected.

But thanks to God's mercies, that phone call never had to be made.

Grace allowed me to be there in person to hear it for myself.

Grace spared me from "that phone call."

Grace allowed me to be there with and for my family.

Grace allowed me to help take care of my Daddy in his final days on earth.

Grace allowed me to walk him home.

Unexpected.

And through all of these unexpected moments, I am reminded that they were only surprises to us. Through all of them, the Lord was there. He was there before they happened, he was there during each and every one, and he continues to be there now. Though it doesn't make sense and it hurts beyond any pain I have ever known, he is faithful. In whatever season I am in - seasons of rejoicing, anger, desperation, grief, doubt, hopelessness - he is there. His love is faithful and endures forever.

He remembered us in our weakness.

His faithful love endures forever.

He saved us from our enemies.

His faithful love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of heaven.

His faithful love endures forever.

Psalm 136: 23, 24, 26

love,
alissa

The First Public Cry

It happened.

And I survived it.

But at least with this one, I saw it coming. In fact, I predicted it. I was even prepared with tissues in my pocket.

Who am I kidding? I always have tissues in my pocket/purse these days.

Tonight was my first time to be back at LIFE Church, seeing so many of my friends in one place, standing to worship and lift my voice to the Lord, and be on the receiving end of countless hugs. Many of these people have been waiting a month to see me and wrap me in their arms and share their heartfelt condolences. I am blessed.

I anticipated that the combination of these things would bring on the waterworks. Not wanting to blubber the entire time, I made a plan.

Because I know you'd like that, wouldn't you Daddy? :)

Anyone who knew Greg Taylor knew he was always "the man with the plan." If I had a nickel for every time I heard "What's the plan?" or "Here's the plan"...I'd be retired.

Whoa...I just had to change "knows" to "knew"...past tense is still so strange.

My plan was to not come into worship until the first song had already started (so everyone would be standing and singing) and to sneak into a seat on the far right side, near the door. I wanted to go as unnoticed as possible and also have a path to the exit should I need it. I would linger after service to collect on all those hugs. :)

The plan went off without a hitch.

Until the 3rd song.

The 3rd song is typically the slowest one, as it is the one right before the message. Let me just say that music stirs my soul, so I'm a pretty emotional worshiper in a normal circumstance, but we all know I am not in a normal circumstance right now. And so the song began. "God is Able" by Hillsong. I'll post a link to a video at the end if you'd like a listen, but here are the lyrics accompanied by the thoughts simultaneously going on in my head.

God is Able
He will never fail
He is almighty God

.....I know He is Able and He doesn't fail. But why didn't he heal my Daddy? Did God fail me? Did I fail Him? Gosh, this is so hard.

Greater than all we seek
Greater than all we ask
He has done great things

.....He is so great, so wonderful. Why couldn't He have done this great thing for me?

Lifted up, He defeated the grave
raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord, our God is able

.....And cue the tears.....He defeated the grave. He defeated the grave. He defeated the grave. It doesn't get any greater than that. Our God is able. My God is able.

God is with us
God is on our side
He will make a way

.....God is always for me. He never means harm for me. He knows my hurt. He will make a way to get through it.

Far above all we know
Far above all we hope
He has done great things

.....His ways are so much higher than mine. Far above what I could ever dream of.

Lifted up, He defeated the grave
Raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord, our God is able

.....He defeated the grave so my Daddy lives on in heaven. He defeated the grave so that his life wouldn't end here. Hallelujah.

God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
He will never leave us

.....The Lord was there the entire time, going before me. He never left my side.

God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
He will never fail us


.....He will never fail. He didn't fail me, now then, not now, not ever.

Lifted up, He defeated the grave
raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord, our God is able

.....He defeated the grave. He defeated the grave. He defeated the grave. I will overcome this because He is able.

You see, I have been thinking alot lately about what it means to serve a God who has victory over death and the grave. That means more to me now than ever before. As strong as he was, my Daddy couldn't defeat either one. Death took him from us. But because of Jesus, death doesn't get to keep him. Because of Jesus, it was only his earthly life that ended and his eternal life in heaven began the moment he took his last breath. Because of Jesus, I will see him again one day. And the next time I see him, he won't have cancer.

The next time I see him, he won't struggle to breathe.

The next time I see him, he will be strong.

He won't need thousands of dollars of medicine. He won't need a cane. He won't be swollen. His skin won't tear so easily.

He'll be perfect.

And I can't wait.

Lifted up, He defeated the grave
Raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord, our God is able



love,
alissa

Three Words

There are moments in life that define you, mold you, shape you into the person that you are and are becoming. There are words spoken out loud that make an impact on everything you know. Words like "I love you" or "Will you marry me?" or "You got the job!" (or didn't get the job for that matter) - I could go on...

But these three words have changed me forever.

My.Daddy.Died.

It's hard to say out loud. It doesn't seem real. It hurts.

But no matter how much I hate it, it doesn't change its truth.

I keep telling myself that everyone has to go through this eventually and thousands of people do it everyday. Then I ask myself so many questions...

Does everyone hurt this much?

Is this normal?

Am I doing this grief thing right?

And the truth is, I have no idea. I have no answers for any of those questions.

I have felt hurt and grief before. I have lost so many that I deeply loved. But this is different. This is my daddy. My very own Superman. My first love. The man who could fix anything, sometimes with duct tape, sometimes without. The man who taught me how to play catch, skip rocks, and let me sit in his lap and drive down the "old road" back and forth to Granny & Paw-Paw's. The man who could turn me into a giggling little goober just by pretending "the claw" was going to get me. The man who used to put me on his shoulders so I could finally make the basketball go into that silly hoop. The man who, just a couple of months ago was still asking me if I needed any money when I left the house.

He's gone.

Gone forever from this world. There are no more chats about the weather or football or fishing or hunting. No more marathons of Andy Griffith or Gunsmoke or Bonanza. That makes me sad. It's a level of grief that I have never known until now. I think in part it is not only grieving over losing him now but it's also grieving the 30 years that I didn't get with him because cancer took his life at age fifty-four. It's realizing that I will likely have more years of my life without him in it than years that he was a part of. It's grieving for grandchildren who will never get to hug him or hear one of his stories. There is just so much that weights heavy on my heart and brings salty tears to my eyes. It really feels like too much.

But there are three more words that I carry with me.

The last three words my Daddy said to me.

Love.You.Too.

In his final days, I caught him in a moment of being alert enough in between sleeps to tell him that I loved him and for him to say it back.

Love.You.Too.

There are no better parting words from someone you love so dearly. None better.

Love.You.Too.

I heard a quote recently that said something like, "With great love comes great hurt when one of you dies."

And if that is true, then I am doing this grief thing right. I am hurting big because I loved and was loved big. And in this painful season of life I am leaning on my sweet Savior and precious husband and family and friends more than ever before. And I am finding joy in knowing that my earthly father is eternally with my heavenly Father and I will see both of them one day.

But until that day, I will miss him terribly. And I will always remember holding his hand and kissing his forehead and hearing those last three words.

Love.You.Too.



I love you Daddy.

with all my heart,
alissa fred

Return of a Blogger

Well...it's been awhile.

I've taken quite the little break from blogging over these last several months.

There are some reasons for this.

Partly, because my laptop basically bit the dust and even the tiniest of blog posts were taking me hours to complete. Boo!

Partly because my OCD (undiagnosed, but it's definitely there) had me convinced that before I could start blogging again, I would have to catch up on all the things I hadn't blogged about. I am obsessed with chronological order.

Partly because the blogger server changed it's formatting and I am just not a fan of that kind of change. Don't get me wrong, I like a change of clothes or couch pillows or paint colors or restaurants but puh-lease leave my blogging methods alone. Sigh...

Partly because my brain has been lost in "all things 3rd grade" for a while now.

And here's an honest one for you...partly because I just got lazy with it.

But none of that matters anymore because I'm back!

The main reason for returning is because this blog is our virtual scrapbook and memory keeper and because a very big event just happened in my life and I need an outlet for all of these thoughts.

The return of the blog will likely also have more of a mixture of both our adventures and things that are just on my mind and my heart. I'll probably go back and forth between some things that are old news but that I really want to capture on our blog and things that are more recent. Get ready, some posts might not even have a picture *gasp* but I promise to try my best. :)


Bear with me, it's about to get real.


love,
alissa