Ugh...

It's a feeling that no one is a fan of.

And it's exactly how I felt when Dad's oncologist walked into the room on July 19th and told us that the chemo had lost its punch and there were tumors that were starting to grow again....ugh.

And then he said to my Dad that it was really great how well he had tolerated the chemo over the last three and a half years because most people who come to him in the condition my Dad was in only live a year...wait, WHAT?!? You mean to tell me there was a timeline??? Ugh...

It's not enjoyable being back at square one, trying to find a chemotherapy that will stabilize the cancer that has been eating away at my Dad since 2008...or at least that's when it was discovered. This will be his 5th type of chemo. Ugh...

I saw a picture on facebook recently that said "I wish cancer would get cancer and die!" Me, too...ugh.

In those moments on July 19th, I felt like a billion thoughts/emotions were swirling around in my head and in my stomach. I felt sick, and "ugh" is the best word I know to describe it.

And after a few minutes in the bathroom shedding the tears that I couldn't hold back and couldn't cry in front of my Daddy, hope became alive again...because the God I serve is bigger than all of this. He is bigger than all of my worries, my fears, my doubts, and He is bigger than cancer. And I have no other option but to trust Him. My earthly father is in the hands of my heavenly Father and I am begging, literally begging, Him to do His thing and bring healing. I am pleading with Him to show His power and His lordship over this awful disease. He just has to because I can't let my mind go to a place where He doesn't come through. I can't and I won't.

I can't lie. I don't like this one bit and I am scared. I am in tears as I type these words. But I am also comforted. I am comforted by the outpouring of love and support from my family and friends. I am comforted by the hundreds and maybe even thousands of prayers being prayed on my Daddy's behalf. I am comforted by the strength and tenderness of my husband. I am comforted by the faith of my Mom. I am comforted by the promises written in a Holy Bible.

After the tears were dried, this song immediately began to sing in my heart.



The first verse and chorus...

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

And I will...with every breath I have.

Because I love my Lord and I love my Daddy.


And I love my parents...more and more everyday.


And I LOVE my family! To the moon and back...