There really isn't anything you can do to take away the pain or bring that loved one back. It's heart-wrenching to be on either end. People are constantly asking "What can I do for you?" or saying "Just let me know if there's anything I can do." And it's hard to know how to answer that.
My best advice: Love them.
Love them in any language you can.
Smother them with it.
Love them with the kind of love that takes action steps.
Love them with the "hands and feet of Jesus" kind of love.
Just love them and love them and love them some more. Because they will keep hurting and love will honestly help them heal.
Several people asked me before I came back - what can we do for your Mom? And I said the same thing to them. Love her.
Don't forget about her. Check in on her. Take her out of the house. When you're setting the table and there's room for one more, think about her and invite her to fill that spot.
That verbiage of love heals. It says that you are thought of, cared for, remembered, and loved.
Because after all, love is a verb. Saying it carries a certain weight, but showing it speaks volumes!
One of my all-time favorite books is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
Incredible read. It's all about the different ways we are uniquely designed to both speak and receive love.
It taught me so much about myself and about loving others in a language that they understand. It also taught me about ways to speak love to my husband and other special people in my life. Seriously, you should just read the book. You won't regret it.
The Five Love Languages Are...
Want to know what yours is? You can take the quiz by clicking here.
I am a tie between two of them: Receiving Gifts & Acts of Service
Both are pretty similar, but they are described as this:
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
In other words, I feel most loved when these two languages are spoken to me. Likewise, these two languages are my default languages of speaking love to others. And it's so true! I try to never ever give gift cards for special occasions, the joy of picking out the perfect gift is something I thrive on, much like the feeling I get from being able to fill a particular need that someone may have. I can't fill every need or sometimes any need, but if I can, I will. And I truly love it.
But there are also three other languages that one might use to communicate love: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, & Quality Time.
From the moment I arrived back in Washington, I have been loved in every single language.
It looked like this...
-groceries purchased and left in our pantry
-meals prepared and delivered to us
-gifts left on the porch
-hugs, so many hugs
-flowers sent
-a mailbox full of sweet cards
-conversations with friends who just show up, just in case you need them (and you DO need them, oh how you need them!)
-text messages
-invites to dinner
-tea parties
-lunches and days out of the house with a friend
-coffee shop visits
-pedicures
-facebook comments and messages
-being prayed with and for
And the list goes on.
Part of coming back to reality after dealing with such a great loss is finding a new normal. Normal is the hardest thing in the world to find in the midst of deep pain. There were days that I would look on facebook to see friends at parties or dinners or family outings and it was sometimes too hard to see. My world was turned upside down and I felt that I was barely treading water but there sat pictures and posts about such great and wonderful lives. A life that I had experienced in the not so distant past but a life that felt light years away. I needed help to find it again. And slowly I am finding it...because of love.
Knowing that I had not been forgotten but was surrounded by love has been the biggest healer of my hurt. And on the days that I am still overwhelmed by the pain, I still need that kind of love. And it usually shows up...in the form of one of those text messages or invites or front porch drop off gifts or seats at the dinner table. It's pretty incredible and such a beautiful picture of the love of Christ. I am so thankful, so undeserving, so very blessed.
And just being around other people who are living life in their "normal" helps me find mine.
We don't love because we have to, we love because we get to...because we are called to, and because HE first loved us. I am challenged to be this kind of love to others.
Because love changes everything.
"Love one another, as I have loved you." John 15:12
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