Love in Every Language

There is such a helpless feeling that comes with watching someone you love lose someone they love.

There really isn't anything you can do to take away the pain or bring that loved one back. It's heart-wrenching to be on either end. People are constantly asking "What can I do for you?" or saying "Just let me know if there's anything I can do." And it's hard to know how to answer that.

My best advice: Love them.

Love them in any language you can.
Smother them with it.
Love them with the kind of love that takes action steps.
Love them with the "hands and feet of Jesus" kind of love.

Just love them and love them and love them some more. Because they will keep hurting and love will honestly help them heal.

Several people asked me before I came back - what can we do for your Mom? And I said the same thing to them. Love her.

Don't forget about her. Check in on her. Take her out of the house. When you're setting the table and there's room for one more, think about her and invite her to fill that spot.

That verbiage of love heals. It says that you are thought of, cared for, remembered, and loved.

Because after all, love is a verb. Saying it carries a certain weight, but showing it speaks volumes!


One of my all-time favorite books is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

Incredible read. It's all about the different ways we are uniquely designed to both speak and receive love.

It taught me so much about myself and about loving others in a language that they understand. It also taught me about ways to speak love to my husband and other special people in my life. Seriously, you should just read the book. You won't regret it.

The Five Love Languages Are...



Want to know what yours is? You can take the quiz by clicking here.

I am a tie between two of them: Receiving Gifts & Acts of Service

Both are pretty similar, but they are described as this:

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

In other words, I feel most loved when these two languages are spoken to me. Likewise, these two languages are my default languages of speaking love to others. And it's so true! I try to never ever give gift cards for special occasions, the joy of picking out the perfect gift is something I thrive on, much like the feeling I get from being able to fill a particular need that someone may have. I can't fill every need or sometimes any need, but if I can, I will. And I truly love it.

But there are also three other languages that one might use to communicate love: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, & Quality Time.

From the moment I arrived back in Washington, I have been loved in every single language.

It looked like this...

-groceries purchased and left in our pantry
-meals prepared and delivered to us
-gifts left on the porch
-hugs, so many hugs
-flowers sent
-a mailbox full of sweet cards
-conversations with friends who just show up, just in case you need them (and you DO need them, oh how you need them!)
-text messages
-invites to dinner
-tea parties
-lunches and days out of the house with a friend
-coffee shop visits
-pedicures
-facebook comments and messages
-being prayed with and for

And the list goes on.

Part of coming back to reality after dealing with such a great loss is finding a new normal. Normal is the hardest thing in the world to find in the midst of deep pain. There were days that I would look on facebook to see friends at parties or dinners or family outings and it was sometimes too hard to see. My world was turned upside down and I felt that I was barely treading water but there sat pictures and posts about such great and wonderful lives. A life that I had experienced in the not so distant past but a life that felt light years away. I needed help to find it again. And slowly I am finding it...because of love.

Knowing that I had not been forgotten but was surrounded by love has been the biggest healer of my hurt. And on the days that I am still overwhelmed by the pain, I still need that kind of love. And it usually shows up...in the form of one of those text messages or invites or front porch drop off gifts or seats at the dinner table. It's pretty incredible and such a beautiful picture of the love of Christ. I am so thankful, so undeserving, so very blessed.

And just being around other people who are living life in their "normal" helps me find mine.

We don't love because we have to, we love because we get to...because we are called to, and because HE first loved us. I am challenged to be this kind of love to others.

Because love changes everything.

"Love one another, as I have loved you." John 15:12

A Letter to My Dad

**I started this post the day after my Daddy passed away and I've been adding thoughts to it ever since. Today, one month from the day he arrived in heaven, I feel that it's complete and ready to go out there for all the world to see. Thank you for your willingness to read the musings of a broken but mending heart...I love you all.**


January 10
It's only been one day and people are already asking how we're all doing or how are we holding up or some version of that question. And even as they ask it, they know as well as we do that we don't have an answer yet and that the answer we might give will change the next time the question is asked.

But I know that more than anyone else, you would want to know how we're doing.

So I suppose that's why I find myself here...blogging at 3am on the day after you took your last breath Daddy.

And first, let me just say how sneaky it was of you to take that last breath in the only thirty second window where you had ever been alone in your entire hospital stay. Mom was just outside the door checking on your saline bag because she knew you didn't like it when it ran dry. But I think you planned it that way.

And it was a good plan, Dad.

I keep reading the letter you wrote that you want Mr. Huey to read at your funeral.



It's beautiful and I can hear your voice each time I read it. And I guess in a way, this is my letter to you.

On the day you found out you were dying, you held Lauren and me by the hand and through teary eyes told us that you loved us and you were so proud of us.

What you may not have known or given yourself enough credit for is the fact that WE were proud of you. We are proud to be "Greg's girls" and we are proud to call you Daddy. We always will be.




You told us to go through life and try not to make any enemies. You told us no matter how good someone else treats you, treat them better.

Those are great words to live by and we will do our best to follow them. It was obvious by the countless number of family and friends and co-workers who came by the hospital to see you that it was just how you lived your life. What a testimony Dad...



And just like you said in your letter to us, we will be sure to tell your grandkids about you though I know that a lifetime wouldn't be long enough. That is probably the biggest thing that really breaks my heart - that you won't know your grandchildren in this life. We'll be sure to take them down to the river, because that was your favorite place to be. As a young adult, I always imagined what a fun paw-paw you would be. You would be a softy, of that I am sure. You wouldn't stand a chance. :)

While these last ten days were not at all what I expected when I packed my suitcase and boarded that airplane in Seattle on Christmas Eve, I couldn't be more thankful that I was able to be here to help you fight this battle all the way to the end...that I was able to walk you home. You will never ever know how much that meant to me.



I heard you say it many times while you were fighting these last five years, "No one walks in my shoes." And while that is true Daddy, you should know that you were never fighting alone. You were taking the heaviest brunt of it all, but we were fighting right along with you and wishing over and over again that we could take this pain and this burden from you (because I know you'd wish the same for us).

In fact, while in the Sunday School class that Derek's Dad was teaching the day before we went to the hospital, there was a question in our book that said,

"If you could switch places with one person for one day, who would it be?"

Though we didn't answer out loud, my answer was you. I wish I could have switched places with you so that you could have had one more perfect day of life - to be down at the camp on the river fishing and running lines, to hunt, to garden, to eat whatever you wanted, to have a fish fry, and to just enjoy a healthy life if for only that one day. I really did, Dad. But I know that even if it were possible you would not have let me do it because you wouldn't want me to suffer an ounce of what you were going through. You were always trying to protect us - another of the reasons you were such a great Daddy.

I keep asking myself if there was anything else I could have done - any question I could have asked the doctor, any cancer research I could have investigated, any prayer I could have prayed and I know that the answer to that is "no." But I keep asking...

I'm so sorry Daddy. I'm sorry that cancer found its way into your body. I'm sorry you had to be sick. I'm sorry that despite how hard you fought, cancer fought harder and spread faster. I'm sorry that your life ended so much sooner than any of us had planned. I'm sorry for the pain you felt. I'm sorry you had to leave us.

You were so brave and strong and tough from the very beginning to the very end. I'm so proud of you.

And I know that if it were up to you, you would have stayed. I want you to know that the best gift you could have left us with was putting your trust in Jesus (just a few short days before leaving this earth) to forgive you of your sins and to save your place in heaven where we know you are at perfect peace and we will see you again. That one decision is leaps and bounds the best thing you ever did for us and the best thing you ever did for yourself. And GG is so glad you wanted her in the room when you made that decision and spoke that prayer - thanks for letting her be a part of that Daddy, she will never forget it.

And because you made that decision, it made letting you go a little more bearable. Because I know that when you took your last breath, Jesus was there to meet you and take you home with Him. And while I knew that you were instantly in a better place, my heart was screaming "Come back!" And in that moment, the same Jesus that was taking you home was holding me at the very same time.

So how are we doing?

We miss you so much Daddy. I miss you. Mom misses you. Lauren misses you. Lexi is looking all over the house for you. Your brother and sister miss you. Jared and Zack and Josh miss you. Mr. Smitty misses you. And the list goes on.

But I think we're all doing okay, or at least we're getting there.

It doesn't seem possible that you are really gone. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. I miss you so much that my lifetime of memories with you are hauntingly hard to think about...but they are the only thing my mind wanders to. I miss you so much that in just the day that you've been gone, I have dreamed about you and awakened with my heart pounding and my pulse racing. I keep dreaming that I can't find you...I am always in a long hallway and frantically searching every room for you but you aren't there. I just keep reminding myself that you are with Jesus...and with Granny and Paw-Paw and Mam-Maw and so many others that you love so much. I'm a little jealous of that.

I know these next few days are going to be incredibly difficult, but I'll be trying my best to keep making you proud. I'll try to be strong because you were strong. You taught me to always have a plan, and I'm going to do just that.

Thank you for being my Daddy. I'm forever grateful that I was your "Alissa Fred" and that I got to walk through this life with you and that I was able to be here to walk you home.



Until we walk together again...

I love you.

Walking Daddy Home: The Hard Part

Before coming back to our home in Washington, Derek and I met our Aunt Tanya for dinner, and she mentioned something that her father (Derek's grandfather) said as he knew his life on earth was coming to an end. And although much of the last several weeks are blurry and foggy, I remember exactly what she told us his words were...

"Dying is easy. Living is the hard part."

It is so true. Life does become harder when you have to do it without someone you love.

Watching Daddy in his final days was not easy for any of us, but it was peaceful for him. Death is not something we have control over - goodness knows if we did, things would be different. Sometimes it comes quickly and catches you off guard. Other times, it comes in incredibly slowly and you might even wish you could hurry it along. And then there are the times that you aren't expecting it to be so close, but there it is and you have no other choice but to get prepared.

We were the latter.

We walked into that hospital five weeks ago hoping to get a therapy/treatment that would bring some relief to the pain and discomfort Daddy was feeling...we had no idea that he would get the ultimate relief and that we would leave there without him.

Living through that was hard.

When the doctor told us that this was the end, and we knew we had the weight of walking back into that hospital room and telling Daddy that he was dying, we sat on his bedside and held his hand and somehow through shaky voices and tear-filled eyes, we told him that his battle with such a horrendous disease was ending.

Living through that was hard.

In the ten days we spent by his side at the hospital, we did everything we possibly could to make him comfortable. We made heavy decisions about breathing apparatuses and medications and treatment options and were even told that we weren't going to be able to stay at the hospital but would need to look into moving him elsewhere. It gave me ulcers.

Living through that was hard.

When he took his final breath and we again found ourselves sitting on his bedside, holding his hand, and in a waterfall of tears, the pain felt utterly unbearable and the void was instant.

Living through that was hard.

And in the days that followed as we began life without him, it was harder still.

Sleeping was hard, eating was hard, and sometimes even breathing was hard. Sometimes it still is.

Preparing for a funeral and burial was hard. We truly wanted to honor him and celebrate the wonderful man he was.

Picking out what clothes he would wear (or I would wear for that matter) was hard.

And you might think this sounds weird but in some way, I was anxious for the evening of the funeral home visitation to begin...just so I could see him...because staying in our house without him was hard.

I missed him so very much. We all did. We all do.

And when I gave him the last kiss I would ever give him on his chilled forehead and stared over the shell that was his soul's home for 54 and a half years and said goodbye, it was almost unbearably hard.

*almost*

I understand now what others meant when talking about the passing of a loved one and saying, "It nearly killed me." Because that is how deep the pain hurts. And it does feel almost unbearable.

*almost*

But because of the love shown by so many family and friends and the countless prayers they have said on my and my family's behalf, and because of the love of my Savior and the grace and mercy he relentlessly bestows, that word *almost* exists.

And it changes everything.

The hard still exists...but it is bearable.

Living without my Daddy is hard, but it is happening.

And I know it's all possible because of Jesus. Because after all, He himself is love (1 John 4:8). And it's because of His love, that we love (1 John 4:19).

And that love is what motivates us to keep living through the hard.

Dying is easy, living is the hard part.

Coming back to Washington was hard.

Returning to work was hard.

Going to the grocery store was hard.

Not texting my Daddy during the Super Bowl was hard.
(Go Hawks!!! Sorry Daddy, under any other circumstance I would totally cheer for the Mannings, I swear.)

Dreaming about him and waking up only to have to grieve all over again is hard.

I know there is alot of hard ahead of me...a lifetime of hard. But I'm ready. And I'm not doing it alone.



love,
alissa

Walking Daddy Home: The Unexpected

For as long as my Daddy had cancer, I was always fearful of one thing:

the phone call

The first one came November 14, 2008. It was from my Mom.

"Sweetie, your Daddy had a seizure at work. He's fine now, but we're at the hospital with him and they are running some tests."

Unexpected.

The next one came on November 16.

"Sweetie, there's a mass on his brain and on his kidney. They don't know what it is but they are going to remove the one on the brain tomorrow."

Unexpected.

The next one, November 22.

"Sweetie, it was malignant. They think they removed it all but it means the mass on his kidney is malignant, too. They'll be removing that one as soon as they can, probably in a few weeks."

Unexpected.

And just a few months after that...

"Sweetie, the spots on his lungs have grown so it's not scar tissue after all. We're going to get in touch with M.D. Anderson and find a doctor there."

Unexpected.

And for the next five years, it was the phone call that my Mom would make after an oncologist visit at M.D. Anderson. We typically had 3-4 months between visits for the last five years, but every time my stomach would be in knots for what words would be waiting on the other end of the line. More often than not, it was good news of a stable or shrinking disease. Other times, it wasn't so good. I remember the first time it wasn't good. I was driving back to work after my lunch break and had to pull the car over. I ended up not even going back to work that day. It was all so scary. It was unpredictable. It was unexpected.

And as the disease progressed, in the back of my mind, I was always afraid of "that" phone call. The phone call that would tell me it's time to come home. And up until a month ago, I thought that phone call was years away. Turns out it wasn't.

Unexpected.

But thanks to God's mercies, that phone call never had to be made.

Grace allowed me to be there in person to hear it for myself.

Grace spared me from "that phone call."

Grace allowed me to be there with and for my family.

Grace allowed me to help take care of my Daddy in his final days on earth.

Grace allowed me to walk him home.

Unexpected.

And through all of these unexpected moments, I am reminded that they were only surprises to us. Through all of them, the Lord was there. He was there before they happened, he was there during each and every one, and he continues to be there now. Though it doesn't make sense and it hurts beyond any pain I have ever known, he is faithful. In whatever season I am in - seasons of rejoicing, anger, desperation, grief, doubt, hopelessness - he is there. His love is faithful and endures forever.

He remembered us in our weakness.

His faithful love endures forever.

He saved us from our enemies.

His faithful love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of heaven.

His faithful love endures forever.

Psalm 136: 23, 24, 26

love,
alissa

The First Public Cry

It happened.

And I survived it.

But at least with this one, I saw it coming. In fact, I predicted it. I was even prepared with tissues in my pocket.

Who am I kidding? I always have tissues in my pocket/purse these days.

Tonight was my first time to be back at LIFE Church, seeing so many of my friends in one place, standing to worship and lift my voice to the Lord, and be on the receiving end of countless hugs. Many of these people have been waiting a month to see me and wrap me in their arms and share their heartfelt condolences. I am blessed.

I anticipated that the combination of these things would bring on the waterworks. Not wanting to blubber the entire time, I made a plan.

Because I know you'd like that, wouldn't you Daddy? :)

Anyone who knew Greg Taylor knew he was always "the man with the plan." If I had a nickel for every time I heard "What's the plan?" or "Here's the plan"...I'd be retired.

Whoa...I just had to change "knows" to "knew"...past tense is still so strange.

My plan was to not come into worship until the first song had already started (so everyone would be standing and singing) and to sneak into a seat on the far right side, near the door. I wanted to go as unnoticed as possible and also have a path to the exit should I need it. I would linger after service to collect on all those hugs. :)

The plan went off without a hitch.

Until the 3rd song.

The 3rd song is typically the slowest one, as it is the one right before the message. Let me just say that music stirs my soul, so I'm a pretty emotional worshiper in a normal circumstance, but we all know I am not in a normal circumstance right now. And so the song began. "God is Able" by Hillsong. I'll post a link to a video at the end if you'd like a listen, but here are the lyrics accompanied by the thoughts simultaneously going on in my head.

God is Able
He will never fail
He is almighty God

.....I know He is Able and He doesn't fail. But why didn't he heal my Daddy? Did God fail me? Did I fail Him? Gosh, this is so hard.

Greater than all we seek
Greater than all we ask
He has done great things

.....He is so great, so wonderful. Why couldn't He have done this great thing for me?

Lifted up, He defeated the grave
raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord, our God is able

.....And cue the tears.....He defeated the grave. He defeated the grave. He defeated the grave. It doesn't get any greater than that. Our God is able. My God is able.

God is with us
God is on our side
He will make a way

.....God is always for me. He never means harm for me. He knows my hurt. He will make a way to get through it.

Far above all we know
Far above all we hope
He has done great things

.....His ways are so much higher than mine. Far above what I could ever dream of.

Lifted up, He defeated the grave
Raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord, our God is able

.....He defeated the grave so my Daddy lives on in heaven. He defeated the grave so that his life wouldn't end here. Hallelujah.

God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
He will never leave us

.....The Lord was there the entire time, going before me. He never left my side.

God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
He will never fail us


.....He will never fail. He didn't fail me, now then, not now, not ever.

Lifted up, He defeated the grave
raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord, our God is able

.....He defeated the grave. He defeated the grave. He defeated the grave. I will overcome this because He is able.

You see, I have been thinking alot lately about what it means to serve a God who has victory over death and the grave. That means more to me now than ever before. As strong as he was, my Daddy couldn't defeat either one. Death took him from us. But because of Jesus, death doesn't get to keep him. Because of Jesus, it was only his earthly life that ended and his eternal life in heaven began the moment he took his last breath. Because of Jesus, I will see him again one day. And the next time I see him, he won't have cancer.

The next time I see him, he won't struggle to breathe.

The next time I see him, he will be strong.

He won't need thousands of dollars of medicine. He won't need a cane. He won't be swollen. His skin won't tear so easily.

He'll be perfect.

And I can't wait.

Lifted up, He defeated the grave
Raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord, our God is able



love,
alissa